I have been sitting in a room all day trying to cry. I immediately regret writing this because I hear the voices of people telling me that writing that kind of feeling in a public place will have repercussions. Professional repercussions. When I exist in artist-land or theater-land, this vulnerability is rewarded and cultivated. I firmly believe that you do not have to suffer to make great art – but what about a existing in a space that allows for suffering to become something else? That’s what allows for great art, and maybe for you to be a healthier human. Maybe.
There is a pseudo-anonymity to this blog in that not many people I know, or just people, will read this. I have linked to it several times. I have told people about it. But, right now, I’m really betting on them having forgotten. I think that is a fair bet. So bring on the repercussions, I guess.
Anyways, trying to cry. I can’t. It’s almost there. I remember in an acting class, a tip that was given was “if you are trying to cry, you won’t. so try not to cry”.
Problem is, it’s very hard to try not to cry when aren’t even sure you can cry at all. That makes sense to me, not sure how it will translate. Feeling things is difficult at the moment. It has been a very twisty day.
I used to have the awful thought that anyone who could articulate their depression very well did not have depression.
Wow, what a disgusting thought for me to have. I suck.
I had this thought because whenever I saw someone be open about depression, post on social media,etc, it immediately felt commercialized and commodified to me. That the depression had become a part of what made the marketable as a “followable” person. It was a cute thing to post about.
But the bitterness that built with this kind of thinking was extremely counterproductive and turned out to be more of a defensive barrier of my own insecurities more than anything else. Easy to figure out that one.
So now I’m writing this on my psuedo-anonymous blog. Welcome to clinical depression log entry 1. I am my own worst enemy.
As I was trying to cry, I felt myself slowly becoming a ghost. Just little parts. Like my left toes, my back pressed into the chair.
I thought of Anne Sexton and her tendencies to fall in love with/obsess over her psychiatrists. And I remembered that I need a new psychiatrist. I have never, but her passion for psychiatrists is the complete opposite of my feelings towards them, so if her spirit could bless me with a small percentage of that desire to make an appointment with one, please Anne Sexton, hear my call. It’s worth a shot.
Confessional poets had it figured out. Their relationship with art/suffering and being white upper class New Englanders is a whole other thing, but man, their cape cod poems about seagull and lighthouses or the insides of a swank mental institution are pretty amazing.
I then thought of all the things I wasn’t doing. First, I wasn’t crying. Second, I wasn’t doing any of the work I had to do. I always do my work. Always. What if this is the time I don’t. What happens then. I don’t know.
I don’t know. I am tired and I want to cry. And I’m still in the room.